Some hurts never heal

I’m in love! Did I ever tell you that? I fell in love with a married man, many years ago. And through events that were completely un-motivated by me, he left his wife for me.

Loving someone I shouldn’t for so many years… I never thought that we would actually be together. Ever. A dream of a stolen kiss, or an unspoken understanding that we were meant for each other, that’s all the farther I took it. And now the reality of a future together has me at a loss. I don’t dream, as I have with so many others, of a happy ending. I can’t bring myself to make plans or set goals farther than a month or two down the road.

I don’t dream. And that makes me sad. The hard reality of the situation has taken all of the dream out of me. While more practical, I find it zaps the lightheartedness out of me. I feel weighted to this time and place. And that is dangerous. I run away from things. When I feel too tied down I struggle to be set free.

I love this man. I will stay with this man. But I think about the other men, the ones that made me feel light and full up with the joy of dreaming. It’s the thinking, the small doubts, that do me in.

I remember the ache of an old lover. He was on my mind today, and as if my thoughts could conjure, I saw him. And my heart ached at the loss of him all over again. I wanted to hold him and cry. But instead we both kept as if we hadn’t seen each other. I hope he is happy.

No, I hope that he felt the exact same thing I felt in that instant. The slight panic, the loss, the feeling of being silly, for the happiness that awaited him in someone elses arms. I hope he has love. I hope he still loves me. I hope he has dreams in some other girls future. And I hope that I will soon dream again.


Finding the real…hurts

It’s gonna hurt. Real bad.

It hurt the first time, the initial breakup. So bad you thought it would kill you. Tears come up at the stupidest of memories, unbidden. You mope and question your life and wonder at all the things you could have done in the time wasted.

But you’ll get over it. You’ll smile and remember the you that existed before. Or, you’ll find a new you, one you can be without trying. Maybe even the someone you want to be. And in the small peace, you’ll meet someone else. You’ll meet someone like you, someone who’s been hurt. Someone you want to try for.

…And you’ll realize that you’re broken, all over again. Only this time you’ll be untrusting and cynical. You fear the ill that has befallen before could be lying right behind this new face. You’ll fear that your fear will make you appear crazy and heavy with emotional baggage. You fear hurting someone else because you are damaged.

But, there’s no way but to do. To try again. To talk and feel and love unguarded again.

Sorting out my life

Writing «Shit_happens»

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I’ve been gone awhile. First, trying to sort out my emotional shit. Then, trying to sort out my family shit. Then, trying to sort out my stage fright… Not sorted x3.

But some pressure has been taken off recently, and again I find myself unsure of where to go from here. Without a crisis to fill my brain with worry, I’m kinda floating now. I don’t know exactly what goals I should strive for. The goals that I’ve come to lately have all felt empty. Or at least not as fulfilling as I thought they would be. So if I don’t know what will make me happy, how will I steer my life?

Resume the summer of fun? Fill my time with dancing, reading, and swimming? I’ve learned my lesson on the summer of fucking. Dudes are freakin crazy ass bitches.

Resume long time projects? There’s an awful lot of sewing that still needs doing. And there’s jewelry and hair-piece making.

Start a new project or endeavor? I’ve been thinking about using my savings to get laser eye surgery. Or using the money to travel. Or saving for a townhouse. Maybe I could start a thirty day challenge. Something I could get benefit out of like going to the gym everyday, walking everyday, or cleaning a part of the house. Or meaningless things: paint the army, read more, get up earlier.

Right now I just feel tired, all the time. Burnt out. I just want to sleep all day. Oh, if only that were an option.

De-mystifying the mystery: Emotionally unavailable

The former logo of the event, which was used f...

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In my roamings through online dating I’ve begun to notice that women are acting more and more like men. More women are looking to hit it and quit it. Wham bam thank you man.

Is it a good thing? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that women weren’t raised and developed socially to do this, like men have been. Where it’s expected that men enter into one night stands, knowing full well that after the sex is done the relationship is over, it’s still pretty odd to hear about this with women. It’s usually assumed that the woman is duped or naively lead into thinking that there is the possibility of an emotional connection in the future. I was very surprised to hear disappointment from some men in the online dating community that more women are using them for sex.

That’s when I heard the term “emotionally unavailable”. A girl would throw themselves at a guy, then if the guy wanted to take the next step into a relationship, the female response would have to do with being emotionally unavailable. The guys were understandably confused. Why would anyone go on a dating website when they weren’t actually interested in a relationship?

Sorry guys. When she says she’s emotionally unavailable, what she means is that she’s unavailable to you. Even if you weren’t a one night stand, women are not trained on how to tell someone they’re just not interested. So we’ve found a catch phrase that sounds better than “you’re a loser” or “you were a lot cuter before I had an orgasm.” But don’t feel bad, you both had a night of fun. She cared enough about you to try to be nice.

Mr. right now becomes Mr. yesterday

I was  seeing an old friend, figuring out if we could make it a relationship. I was beginning to think no, and then he did something that left no question.

He asked me to stop by a benefit he was running at his favorite bar. I had to work that day, and I promised to make it to a friends’ dance recital, but I said I’d make an appearance. When I got to the bar he seemed happy to see me. Distracted, but I figured he would be with all the stuff going on. I told him how I didn’t have time to change and get cute after work and that I’d only be staying a little while so he could get back to work. We sat at the bar and chatted. Well, I chatted, he remained distracted.

And then, a pretty blonde walked behind me and sat next to me at the bar. He watched her the whole way.

I was in that bar for fifteen minutes, and he couldn’t keep his eyes to himself. I left my friends, paid a $5 cover, and bought a $5 drink to be treated like shit. He texted me the next day asking me to call because he’d been doing a lot of thinking. When I talked to him, said he wasn’t ready for a relationship or we just weren’t compatible… regardless of whether we were ment to be, there’s no excuse for being rude like that. He hurt my feelings and my pride. He’s no longer a love interest, but now he’s not even a friend.

De-mystifying the mystery: He likes me too much

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

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Women love attention. Good, bad, indifferent, we love to be given your time.

But then how can there ever be the problem, ‘He likes me too much’? We like your attention, is there really such a thing as liking someone too much?

Here’s my experience: When dating a guy I would classify as liking me too much the problem is not that he likes me. It’s easy to like me. It’s easy to like anyone in the beginning, when everything is new and exciting. When you don’t know the other person well and are free to fill in all the blank spots with Prince Charming‘s resume. The problem is that he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t know me. He walks around in a dreamy, love struck haze, believing everything is great. When, in reality, he’s just in love with the idea of you. Or infatuated with the idea of love.

I’m seeing a guy who I’ve known for many years but have only really gotten to know a few weeks. Over the years, we were never closer than casual flirtation and occasional social interaction. We have intimate nights snuggling on the couch, which I like. But while just hanging out, watching a movie, he’ll sigh loudly every ten to twenty minutes. At first it was cute, but it’s becoming annoying.

The sigh is a sign of contentment over our time together. I should be flattered and encouraged by the sigh. But I don’t think that the sigh has very much to do with me in the physical present. It feels like he’s showing off. It feels like he’s content in the idea of me and the future he’s laid out in his mind for us. So indulgent in the sensation of liking something, that the reality of me and our actual relationship doesn’t factor in.

He’s so proud of starting a relationship that he’s told many of his friends and family about our time together. He tells me how he’s told this person and that about me. But, what does he actually know about me? Very little. He doesn’t stop to see that I am not goofy eyed for him because he’s too distracted by the possibilities of being with a girl who is goofy for him. In short, he likes me too much.

New dating rules: Love ’em, use ’em, figure it out

Disc golf basket

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In this new age of online dating, feminine empowerment, and culture changes, the rules on dating have become fuzzy. One of my favorite rule changes is the emergence of the ‘hang out’ date or for some, the ‘activity’ date. Two people engage in an activity together and they call that shared time a date. Activities give you the chance to not only get to know their personality, but you can observe the more subtle or hidden personal traits.

Since I’m a fan of frisbee golf, and I’m not too shabby at it, I’m a fan of the frolf date. It’s physical, so you don’t have to dress up(actually it gives you an excuse to dress down, and possibly show off your best physical assets). It’s casual, you can talk,  if you want to avoid a conversation there’s always the excuse that you have to run after your disk. You can admire your partners physical form(boys like to take off their shirts when it’s hot) and observe how they move(important info for the bedroom). And, you see how competitive they are and how they deal with that pressure. I just like to play without keeping score, but I like to recognize when me or my partner make a good shot. If he’s too competitive, or too talkative, or annoying in general, I know he’s not right for me. It’s not that frisbee golf is that important to me that a potential guy MUST be awesome to play with. If he goes with the flow of the game and we get along, that shows me that he can observe and adapt to me and the changes around us. If he annoys me, then he’s either not perceptive or he’s just annoying.

Traditional dates are still useful too. But, you have to remember that traditional rules do apply. Show up to dinner and a movie wearing something nice, or at least something casual nice. Hold conversation in the right places(ex: not during the movie). Use your good manners.

I have been on both of these dates with the new possible guy and I’ve decided that I don’t want to see him anymore.

On our frolf date, he didn’t show up to the right place, even though he had been to the course before. Instead of parking at the first hole of the course, I had to call him to find out that he had parked on the other side of the park. Annoyance #1. Then, he talked at all the wrong times, stopping in the middle of the fairway to finish a story, while the group behind us waited. Annoyance #2. And, when he wasn’t stopping in the middle of the fairway to talk, he only communicated in catch phrases and kitschy sayings. Done in the right way they would have been funny, but he did it the whole time. Sometimes he would say something as if it were a funny saying but really it was just a statement, not novel or witty as his delivery would suggest. Annoyance #3. But, because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn’t want to be mean, I agreed to go out to the movies.

I showed up to the date in my nice jeans and a sexy tank top. He was waiting for me in camo pants and a hockey jersey. #1. Then, he walked really fast  to the concession bar, leaving me a good five steps behind. #2. During the movie, he tried to talk to me a few times. I didn’t laugh or respond to his non funny quips. And then he asked, “Where’s your hand? Can I hold your hand?” At first I tried to change the subject by making a comment about the movie, but after a few minutes he asked a second time, and I said no. #3.

He didn’t ask me out again as we were saying goodbye. I’m a coward, but I was really glad I didn’t have to turn him down to his face. I was hoping he got the hit. He mentioned that he would see me later, and I just said goodbye. He said he’d talk to me later, I just said goodbye… Even though I wouldn’t let him hold my hand… I just shrugged. But, he texted me later about how our tickets stubs had a coupon for a local cupcake shop that we could use. I didn’t respond. He asked if I made it home alright. I responded that I did.

He might have gotten the hint, he hasn’t called or texted today. It’s a relief really. I’m not ready to date, especially not ready to date guys I don’t want to be dating. It was dumb to pursue anything at all. But I don’t feel I’ve learned my lesson. I know that I need time alone for me right now, but the prospect of meeting someone is so exciting. A proper rebound to cheer me up and reassure me. But I try to be better, I try to get better.