Some hurts never heal

I’m in love! Did I ever tell you that? I fell in love with a married man, many years ago. And through events that were completely un-motivated by me, he left his wife for me.

Loving someone I shouldn’t for so many years… I never thought that we would actually be together. Ever. A dream of a stolen kiss, or an unspoken understanding that we were meant for each other, that’s all the farther I took it. And now the reality of a future together has me at a loss. I don’t dream, as I have with so many others, of a happy ending. I can’t bring myself to make plans or set goals farther than a month or two down the road.

I don’t dream. And that makes me sad. The hard reality of the situation has taken all of the dream out of me. While more practical, I find it zaps the lightheartedness out of me. I feel weighted to this time and place. And that is dangerous. I run away from things. When I feel too tied down I struggle to be set free.

I love this man. I will stay with this man. But I think about the other men, the ones that made me feel light and full up with the joy of dreaming. It’s the thinking, the small doubts, that do me in.

I remember the ache of an old lover. He was on my mind today, and as if my thoughts could conjure, I saw him. And my heart ached at the loss of him all over again. I wanted to hold him and cry. But instead we both kept as if we hadn’t seen each other. I hope he is happy.

No, I hope that he felt the exact same thing I felt in that instant. The slight panic, the loss, the feeling of being silly, for the happiness that awaited him in someone elses arms. I hope he has love. I hope he still loves me. I hope he has dreams in some other girls future. And I hope that I will soon dream again.

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  1. […] Some hurts never heal (socialspaz.wordpress.com) GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); GA_googleAddAttr("LangId", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Autotag", "religion"); GA_googleAddAttr("Autotag", "health"); GA_googleAddAttr("Autotag", "books"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "thought-for-today"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "christianity"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "dream"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "dream-journals"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "god"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "jesus"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "psychology"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "religion-and-spirituality"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "social-sciences"); GA_googleFillSlot("wpcom_sharethrough"); Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted on December 10, 2011, in Thought For Today and tagged Christianity, Dream, Dream Journals, God, Jesus, Psychology, Religion and Spirituality, Social Sciences. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment […]

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