Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Finding the real…hurts

It’s gonna hurt. Real bad.

It hurt the first time, the initial breakup. So bad you thought it would kill you. Tears come up at the stupidest of memories, unbidden. You mope and question your life and wonder at all the things you could have done in the time wasted.

But you’ll get over it. You’ll smile and remember the you that existed before. Or, you’ll find a new you, one you can be without trying. Maybe even the someone you want to be. And in the small peace, you’ll meet someone else. You’ll meet someone like you, someone who’s been hurt. Someone you want to try for.

…And you’ll realize that you’re broken, all over again. Only this time you’ll be untrusting and cynical. You fear the ill that has befallen before could be lying right behind this new face. You’ll fear that your fear will make you appear crazy and heavy with emotional baggage. You fear hurting someone else because you are damaged.

But, there’s no way but to do. To try again. To talk and feel and love unguarded again.

De-mystifying the mystery: Emotionally unavailable

The former logo of the event, which was used f...

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In my roamings through online dating I’ve begun to notice that women are acting more and more like men. More women are looking to hit it and quit it. Wham bam thank you man.

Is it a good thing? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that women weren’t raised and developed socially to do this, like men have been. Where it’s expected that men enter into one night stands, knowing full well that after the sex is done the relationship is over, it’s still pretty odd to hear about this with women. It’s usually assumed that the woman is duped or naively lead into thinking that there is the possibility of an emotional connection in the future. I was very surprised to hear disappointment from some men in the online dating community that more women are using them for sex.

That’s when I heard the term “emotionally unavailable”. A girl would throw themselves at a guy, then if the guy wanted to take the next step into a relationship, the female response would have to do with being emotionally unavailable. The guys were understandably confused. Why would anyone go on a dating website when they weren’t actually interested in a relationship?

Sorry guys. When she says she’s emotionally unavailable, what she means is that she’s unavailable to you. Even if you weren’t a one night stand, women are not trained on how to tell someone they’re just not interested. So we’ve found a catch phrase that sounds better than “you’re a loser” or “you were a lot cuter before I had an orgasm.” But don’t feel bad, you both had a night of fun. She cared enough about you to try to be nice.

De-mystifying the mystery: He likes me too much

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

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Women love attention. Good, bad, indifferent, we love to be given your time.

But then how can there ever be the problem, ‘He likes me too much’? We like your attention, is there really such a thing as liking someone too much?

Here’s my experience: When dating a guy I would classify as liking me too much the problem is not that he likes me. It’s easy to like me. It’s easy to like anyone in the beginning, when everything is new and exciting. When you don’t know the other person well and are free to fill in all the blank spots with Prince Charming‘s resume. The problem is that he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t know me. He walks around in a dreamy, love struck haze, believing everything is great. When, in reality, he’s just in love with the idea of you. Or infatuated with the idea of love.

I’m seeing a guy who I’ve known for many years but have only really gotten to know a few weeks. Over the years, we were never closer than casual flirtation and occasional social interaction. We have intimate nights snuggling on the couch, which I like. But while just hanging out, watching a movie, he’ll sigh loudly every ten to twenty minutes. At first it was cute, but it’s becoming annoying.

The sigh is a sign of contentment over our time together. I should be flattered and encouraged by the sigh. But I don’t think that the sigh has very much to do with me in the physical present. It feels like he’s showing off. It feels like he’s content in the idea of me and the future he’s laid out in his mind for us. So indulgent in the sensation of liking something, that the reality of me and our actual relationship doesn’t factor in.

He’s so proud of starting a relationship that he’s told many of his friends and family about our time together. He tells me how he’s told this person and that about me. But, what does he actually know about me? Very little. He doesn’t stop to see that I am not goofy eyed for him because he’s too distracted by the possibilities of being with a girl who is goofy for him. In short, he likes me too much.

New dating rules: Love ’em, use ’em, figure it out

Disc golf basket

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In this new age of online dating, feminine empowerment, and culture changes, the rules on dating have become fuzzy. One of my favorite rule changes is the emergence of the ‘hang out’ date or for some, the ‘activity’ date. Two people engage in an activity together and they call that shared time a date. Activities give you the chance to not only get to know their personality, but you can observe the more subtle or hidden personal traits.

Since I’m a fan of frisbee golf, and I’m not too shabby at it, I’m a fan of the frolf date. It’s physical, so you don’t have to dress up(actually it gives you an excuse to dress down, and possibly show off your best physical assets). It’s casual, you can talk,  if you want to avoid a conversation there’s always the excuse that you have to run after your disk. You can admire your partners physical form(boys like to take off their shirts when it’s hot) and observe how they move(important info for the bedroom). And, you see how competitive they are and how they deal with that pressure. I just like to play without keeping score, but I like to recognize when me or my partner make a good shot. If he’s too competitive, or too talkative, or annoying in general, I know he’s not right for me. It’s not that frisbee golf is that important to me that a potential guy MUST be awesome to play with. If he goes with the flow of the game and we get along, that shows me that he can observe and adapt to me and the changes around us. If he annoys me, then he’s either not perceptive or he’s just annoying.

Traditional dates are still useful too. But, you have to remember that traditional rules do apply. Show up to dinner and a movie wearing something nice, or at least something casual nice. Hold conversation in the right places(ex: not during the movie). Use your good manners.

I have been on both of these dates with the new possible guy and I’ve decided that I don’t want to see him anymore.

On our frolf date, he didn’t show up to the right place, even though he had been to the course before. Instead of parking at the first hole of the course, I had to call him to find out that he had parked on the other side of the park. Annoyance #1. Then, he talked at all the wrong times, stopping in the middle of the fairway to finish a story, while the group behind us waited. Annoyance #2. And, when he wasn’t stopping in the middle of the fairway to talk, he only communicated in catch phrases and kitschy sayings. Done in the right way they would have been funny, but he did it the whole time. Sometimes he would say something as if it were a funny saying but really it was just a statement, not novel or witty as his delivery would suggest. Annoyance #3. But, because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn’t want to be mean, I agreed to go out to the movies.

I showed up to the date in my nice jeans and a sexy tank top. He was waiting for me in camo pants and a hockey jersey. #1. Then, he walked really fast  to the concession bar, leaving me a good five steps behind. #2. During the movie, he tried to talk to me a few times. I didn’t laugh or respond to his non funny quips. And then he asked, “Where’s your hand? Can I hold your hand?” At first I tried to change the subject by making a comment about the movie, but after a few minutes he asked a second time, and I said no. #3.

He didn’t ask me out again as we were saying goodbye. I’m a coward, but I was really glad I didn’t have to turn him down to his face. I was hoping he got the hit. He mentioned that he would see me later, and I just said goodbye. He said he’d talk to me later, I just said goodbye… Even though I wouldn’t let him hold my hand… I just shrugged. But, he texted me later about how our tickets stubs had a coupon for a local cupcake shop that we could use. I didn’t respond. He asked if I made it home alright. I responded that I did.

He might have gotten the hint, he hasn’t called or texted today. It’s a relief really. I’m not ready to date, especially not ready to date guys I don’t want to be dating. It was dumb to pursue anything at all. But I don’t feel I’ve learned my lesson. I know that I need time alone for me right now, but the prospect of meeting someone is so exciting. A proper rebound to cheer me up and reassure me. But I try to be better, I try to get better.

I’ve met someone?

Icon from Nuvola icon theme for KDE 3.x.

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I might have called Match sad, but I’ve actually been talking to a man I met there. Not really sure how I feel about him yet. We have plenty in common. We’ve talked on the phone several times. We’ve been out twice… But I don’t feel the spark. We stay on the phone way too long, having terribly boring conversations about the minutiae of our lives. When out to dinner it’s just like being on the phone, we have things to talk about, but it eventually it feels strained. Like I’m being interviewed.

Reading that back it sounds like I do know how I feel about him. The truth is, he’s a pleasant distraction. He seems like a decent guy, with his own small goals, who’s very invested in his family. Sounds pretty great.

I feel nothing for him sexually. If I had felt sexual chemistry, I’d probably have nailed him already. My fear is that there is chemistry and that I’m just too distracted and upset by my breakup that my sexy emitters are broken. And, my fear is that there is no chemistry, and I’ll let a good guy go. AND, my fear is that I’m trying to justify not having chemistry so that I’ll stick it out and start a new relationship. A relationship that I’ll hate eventually.

It’s just talking and a couple dates. I’ve decided keep my thoughts on the back burner and just let him be nice to me. If something grows, it grows. If we start turning into the most boring couple ever, then I’ll put the kibosh to our becoming a couple at all. Definitely need to keep the phone calls to a minimum. Texting has the potential of being more flirtatious anyway.

What I’m not looking for on dating web sites

this is the perfect description for an online ...

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On a lark, I revisited my profile on Match.com. I’m not sure if it was curiosity or loneliness, I uploaded a few pictures, essentially reawakening my “membership”. I browsed the photos and profiles of the men meeting my minimum search requirements: never married, no kids, between 26 and 34, living within 20 miles. I assumed that men would know how to present themselves in an online profile. Or at least, wouldn’t suck so badly at it.

I found several pictures of men without shirts on. When you introduce yourself to new women do you pull your shirt up so that she can inspect the goods? Women want to see a face, seeing you half-naked only makes you seem desperate. It feels like you have to use your body as a draw because you have no personality.

loverman69, luvyluvy28, hot guy98.6… Stupid ID names are… stupid. It makes me think you’re stupid. It makes me think you think I’m stupid.

Long profiles where you talk about how loyal, dependable, caring you are. Wow, only you and every other profile says that. You list the schools you went to, the degrees you hold, how well off you are financially. That’s super boring. I’m not reading a resume, I want to know about you. I don’t want buzz words, I don’t want references and previous employers, I want to read something that tells me about you. Tell a funny story. Talk about something personal. Tell a joke. If your profile sounds just like a resume and has no personality, I don’t care if you get in contact with me. You already sound super boring.

I HATE the overuse of the word ‘nice’. You’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl to have a nice time with. That sounds really ‘nice’. Besides sounding boring, ‘nice’ isn’t a very descriptive word. I’ve heard men who cheat call themselves nice. I’ve seen a ‘nice’ guy ditch his date for his ex-wife and then lament about losing the date because he was to ‘nice’. Don’t use the word ‘nice’. Girls want nice guys, but we want you to prove it with actions instead of just repeating it over and over. Other words and phrases to avoid: exquisite, lovely, show you a good time, work hard and play hard, it’s hard for me to write about myself, I’m here to meet someone.

Don’t mention other girls or past relationships. It only makes you sound bitter, or losery. We all have baggage, you don’t have to point out your own in the first contact you have with a new woman. You’re not making a great point that it isn’t you’re fault you’re single, you’re telling prospective dates that you don’t learn and grow from new relationships.

I found Match to be pretty sad. Dating sites in general, pretty sad. But I will admit, I don’t think they’re aimed at people like me. After I took the long ass personality survey for eharmony.com, I got a screen telling me that I couldn’t be categorized, and therefore I couldn’t be matched with anyone on their site. I was rejected by the entire eharmony community.  How awesome am I?

-Relationships

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you’re nowhere near the sea. You’re in the desert. Alone.

The end of an era

I broke up, so lets celebrate

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This last week I broke up with my boyfriend. Sad, yes. It didn’t come down to anal sex or girl-on-girl drama, it came down to a problem that could not be talked around. The truth is, my ex is a compulsive liar. I don’t say that to be hurtful or for spite, I mean that he can not control his urge to lie. Even little things like what he had for lunch, he would fabricate a whole story with emotions and sensations. It made telling truth from lie impossible and making every story suspicious. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

The realization of the end was the hardest thing. I cried for three days before actually doing the deed. But now that it’s over I’ve only felt close to tears while talking to my mother, and my mother certainly knows how to go for the tears button. I am sad that I’ve lost my best friend, but I can’t be mad. I feel more relieved for not having that stress upon me for the rest of my life. Fear of an uncertain future is present, but also a reassuring sense that I’m still young enough to marry and have children. I’m more than a couple of pounds heavier than I would like to be, but I’m not destined to be a crazy cat lady, there’s a someone for me no matter what the weight. And hopefully I’ll find focus in the next few weeks to hit the gym, clean the house, and be generally productive. But, I’m not going to stress about it. I’m going to get busy being busy, and see what happens.

I’ll miss you, but I’ll live on.