Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category

De-mystifying the mystery: Emotionally unavailable

The former logo of the event, which was used f...

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In my roamings through online dating I’ve begun to notice that women are acting more and more like men. More women are looking to hit it and quit it. Wham bam thank you man.

Is it a good thing? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that women weren’t raised and developed socially to do this, like men have been. Where it’s expected that men enter into one night stands, knowing full well that after the sex is done the relationship is over, it’s still pretty odd to hear about this with women. It’s usually assumed that the woman is duped or naively lead into thinking that there is the possibility of an emotional connection in the future. I was very surprised to hear disappointment from some men in the online dating community that more women are using them for sex.

That’s when I heard the term “emotionally unavailable”. A girl would throw themselves at a guy, then if the guy wanted to take the next step into a relationship, the female response would have to do with being emotionally unavailable. The guys were understandably confused. Why would anyone go on a dating website when they weren’t actually interested in a relationship?

Sorry guys. When she says she’s emotionally unavailable, what she means is that she’s unavailable to you. Even if you weren’t a one night stand, women are not trained on how to tell someone they’re just not interested. So we’ve found a catch phrase that sounds better than “you’re a loser” or “you were a lot cuter before I had an orgasm.” But don’t feel bad, you both had a night of fun. She cared enough about you to try to be nice.

De-mystifying the mystery: He likes me too much

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

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Women love attention. Good, bad, indifferent, we love to be given your time.

But then how can there ever be the problem, ‘He likes me too much’? We like your attention, is there really such a thing as liking someone too much?

Here’s my experience: When dating a guy I would classify as liking me too much the problem is not that he likes me. It’s easy to like me. It’s easy to like anyone in the beginning, when everything is new and exciting. When you don’t know the other person well and are free to fill in all the blank spots with Prince Charming‘s resume. The problem is that he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t know me. He walks around in a dreamy, love struck haze, believing everything is great. When, in reality, he’s just in love with the idea of you. Or infatuated with the idea of love.

I’m seeing a guy who I’ve known for many years but have only really gotten to know a few weeks. Over the years, we were never closer than casual flirtation and occasional social interaction. We have intimate nights snuggling on the couch, which I like. But while just hanging out, watching a movie, he’ll sigh loudly every ten to twenty minutes. At first it was cute, but it’s becoming annoying.

The sigh is a sign of contentment over our time together. I should be flattered and encouraged by the sigh. But I don’t think that the sigh has very much to do with me in the physical present. It feels like he’s showing off. It feels like he’s content in the idea of me and the future he’s laid out in his mind for us. So indulgent in the sensation of liking something, that the reality of me and our actual relationship doesn’t factor in.

He’s so proud of starting a relationship that he’s told many of his friends and family about our time together. He tells me how he’s told this person and that about me. But, what does he actually know about me? Very little. He doesn’t stop to see that I am not goofy eyed for him because he’s too distracted by the possibilities of being with a girl who is goofy for him. In short, he likes me too much.

New dating rules: Love ’em, use ’em, figure it out

Disc golf basket

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In this new age of online dating, feminine empowerment, and culture changes, the rules on dating have become fuzzy. One of my favorite rule changes is the emergence of the ‘hang out’ date or for some, the ‘activity’ date. Two people engage in an activity together and they call that shared time a date. Activities give you the chance to not only get to know their personality, but you can observe the more subtle or hidden personal traits.

Since I’m a fan of frisbee golf, and I’m not too shabby at it, I’m a fan of the frolf date. It’s physical, so you don’t have to dress up(actually it gives you an excuse to dress down, and possibly show off your best physical assets). It’s casual, you can talk,  if you want to avoid a conversation there’s always the excuse that you have to run after your disk. You can admire your partners physical form(boys like to take off their shirts when it’s hot) and observe how they move(important info for the bedroom). And, you see how competitive they are and how they deal with that pressure. I just like to play without keeping score, but I like to recognize when me or my partner make a good shot. If he’s too competitive, or too talkative, or annoying in general, I know he’s not right for me. It’s not that frisbee golf is that important to me that a potential guy MUST be awesome to play with. If he goes with the flow of the game and we get along, that shows me that he can observe and adapt to me and the changes around us. If he annoys me, then he’s either not perceptive or he’s just annoying.

Traditional dates are still useful too. But, you have to remember that traditional rules do apply. Show up to dinner and a movie wearing something nice, or at least something casual nice. Hold conversation in the right places(ex: not during the movie). Use your good manners.

I have been on both of these dates with the new possible guy and I’ve decided that I don’t want to see him anymore.

On our frolf date, he didn’t show up to the right place, even though he had been to the course before. Instead of parking at the first hole of the course, I had to call him to find out that he had parked on the other side of the park. Annoyance #1. Then, he talked at all the wrong times, stopping in the middle of the fairway to finish a story, while the group behind us waited. Annoyance #2. And, when he wasn’t stopping in the middle of the fairway to talk, he only communicated in catch phrases and kitschy sayings. Done in the right way they would have been funny, but he did it the whole time. Sometimes he would say something as if it were a funny saying but really it was just a statement, not novel or witty as his delivery would suggest. Annoyance #3. But, because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn’t want to be mean, I agreed to go out to the movies.

I showed up to the date in my nice jeans and a sexy tank top. He was waiting for me in camo pants and a hockey jersey. #1. Then, he walked really fast  to the concession bar, leaving me a good five steps behind. #2. During the movie, he tried to talk to me a few times. I didn’t laugh or respond to his non funny quips. And then he asked, “Where’s your hand? Can I hold your hand?” At first I tried to change the subject by making a comment about the movie, but after a few minutes he asked a second time, and I said no. #3.

He didn’t ask me out again as we were saying goodbye. I’m a coward, but I was really glad I didn’t have to turn him down to his face. I was hoping he got the hit. He mentioned that he would see me later, and I just said goodbye. He said he’d talk to me later, I just said goodbye… Even though I wouldn’t let him hold my hand… I just shrugged. But, he texted me later about how our tickets stubs had a coupon for a local cupcake shop that we could use. I didn’t respond. He asked if I made it home alright. I responded that I did.

He might have gotten the hint, he hasn’t called or texted today. It’s a relief really. I’m not ready to date, especially not ready to date guys I don’t want to be dating. It was dumb to pursue anything at all. But I don’t feel I’ve learned my lesson. I know that I need time alone for me right now, but the prospect of meeting someone is so exciting. A proper rebound to cheer me up and reassure me. But I try to be better, I try to get better.

I’ve met someone?

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I might have called Match sad, but I’ve actually been talking to a man I met there. Not really sure how I feel about him yet. We have plenty in common. We’ve talked on the phone several times. We’ve been out twice… But I don’t feel the spark. We stay on the phone way too long, having terribly boring conversations about the minutiae of our lives. When out to dinner it’s just like being on the phone, we have things to talk about, but it eventually it feels strained. Like I’m being interviewed.

Reading that back it sounds like I do know how I feel about him. The truth is, he’s a pleasant distraction. He seems like a decent guy, with his own small goals, who’s very invested in his family. Sounds pretty great.

I feel nothing for him sexually. If I had felt sexual chemistry, I’d probably have nailed him already. My fear is that there is chemistry and that I’m just too distracted and upset by my breakup that my sexy emitters are broken. And, my fear is that there is no chemistry, and I’ll let a good guy go. AND, my fear is that I’m trying to justify not having chemistry so that I’ll stick it out and start a new relationship. A relationship that I’ll hate eventually.

It’s just talking and a couple dates. I’ve decided keep my thoughts on the back burner and just let him be nice to me. If something grows, it grows. If we start turning into the most boring couple ever, then I’ll put the kibosh to our becoming a couple at all. Definitely need to keep the phone calls to a minimum. Texting has the potential of being more flirtatious anyway.

Porn: The up and down sides from my view

anal sex - he didnt even kiss me goodnight!

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It seems strange that I would be posting about porn with all the new stuff going on in my life. But I suppose the issues I’m currently having with my boyfriend have burned so deep into my thoughts that writing about anything else would be skirting the elephant in the room.

As a girlfriend, I don’t mind porn. If I’m not there when he’s horny, or I’m just not feeling like messing around, go ahead and watch porn. If it is true that men think about sex more than women, then I think watching porn and masturbation is a normal and necessary function. I don’t generally watch porn by myself (I have yet to find the porn that’s marketed to women), usually its to start things off with my man. But I enjoy watching it with my boyfriend. Or rather, I enjoy listening to it more than seeing the actual sex.

That’s where I start to see the downside. I don’t enjoy the actual watching of porn. It’s obviously fake, not just because it’s a porn, but the acting is terrible and the sex scenes long and complicated. Basically, when I put myself in the actresses place, I would hate all the position changes, I would be getting dry and sore. To genuinely like porn, it would have to be medium to soft core, with a plot. Maybe I’m missing the point, but that’s how I feel.

What bothers me most is the effect that porn is having on my guy’s sexual fantasies and his expectation that these fantasies should be brought into reality. More directly, he wants me to do girl-on-girl, and he wants me to do anal.

First, regardless of how I feel about women and lesbian sex, I am in a relationship. If I wanted some strange, male or female, I wouldn’t be dating someone. It started off as a funny joke, after repeated reminders that he would really like me to make it with a girl I considered it briefly. But he just kept bringing it up,

“I’ll just have to get you drunk and introduce you to more girls.”

YES! Because when I choose to sleep with someone, what I really want it to be with a random person I just drunkenly met at the bar. When I have my first lesbian experience, I want it to be meaningless and purely for the enjoyment of the man I’m dating.

It’s one thing to have a fantasy, it’s another to periodically remind your girlfriend, as if by not fulfilling the fantasy she isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs. If she’s not fucking another chick, does your girlfriend really care?

And the anal sex. At the beginning of our relationship I was strictly anti-anal. Then he brought it up again and again, repeating that it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. Which only sounded like he was calling me uptight for not being sexually open enough. And eventually I considered that I wasn’t being sexually open and I decided to try it. I was lubed, I was relaxed and ready to go… and he stuck his dick in me so hard, so fast that it felt like he had just stabbed me.

He apologized and gave me some time, but eventually he went right back to prodding me and telling me it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. And that felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I know I’ve just told these stories, and maybe I haven’t made a strong case for why they’re connected to porn. I think that the saturation of girl-on-girl and anal sex in hard-core porn gives men a notion that these are normal and/or standard practice when in reality they are asking too much of women. Or at least, my boyfriend is asking too much of me.

How to go down on your lady

Line drawing of a Kiss

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Here’s some tips for pleasing your woman:

1) Take your time getting down there. Women love it when you get them warmed up first, so start with some foreplay. When she’s naked, or at least pantless, kiss and stroke your way down her body. And when your head is positioned between her legs, don’t start the heavy lapping. Instead, tease her a bit by gently kissing her pussy lips, or a slight inhale to move the air around her clit and get her nerve endings prickling.

2) Don’t stick your tongue in her vagina. After some tongue action on the clit she might be receptive to the use of fingers or toys to stimulate the g-spot, of course depending on her mood and sensitivity. But no matter how awesome your tongue work, it will be lost on the vagina.

3) Tongue circles around her clit. Go slow and soft at first.

4) Pay attention to her responses. If she likes it she’ll moan during or just after. Other signs are: leg shaking, muscle clenching, heavy breathing or sighing. When she’s really into it she might grab on your head or move your head into just the right spot. Chances are she won’t hurt you, but let her know if she does. If she gives you verbal directions, TAKE THEM. It’s not an insult. She’s teaching you how to please her, be grateful and follow directions. If she’s laying there doing nothing, breathing normally, pay attention to that too. Either you need to have a talk about her enjoyment of oral sex, or you’re not doing what she likes.

5) Take her whole clit in your mouth and give a light suck. Move your tongue up and down over the clit. Try moving side-to-side, or tilt your head to the side and keep with the up and down motion. Some women like what’s called the ‘alphabet trick’, where you spell her name with your tongue.

6) Take your time and explore. Enjoy the pussy. Figure out what she likes. Tease her a little.

7) Try something a little different to change things up.

a) Softly hum while sucking on the clit or when your tongue hits a sensitive spot.

b) Speed up for a few moments, getting her worked up, before returning to slow.

c) Squeeze her thighs while increasing pressure on the clit. This sense of urgency can sometimes help her get off. Or, you can just use it to tease her

8.) When you want to start bringing her to climax, increase tongue speed. Keep the climax move consistent, it might take her a minute or two to fully cum, but she needs that pressure to hit her clit the same way that whole time. Try to regulate your breathing so that you keep stimulating her, but you’re not holding your breath.

9) Try moving your tongue up and down while moving your head side to side. Rock into her slightly, motions that are similar to sex will help keep her focused on the orgasm. Or, if you’ve ever played a wind instrument like trumpet or saxophone, try to play the clit the same way while moving your head side to side.

10) The clitoris is very sensitive just after orgasm, so be ready to stop when she’s finished cumming. Some women can pause for a moment and begin the build up to a second orgasm. Work towards making her multi-orgasmic. Afterward, let her rest and she’ll eventually return the favor.

Things to be aware of:

Not all women can orgasm viz oral sex. Some women are insecure about oral because they’ve had bad experiences in he past. That being said, don’t assume the problem is her. Take your time, get plenty of practice, and listen to what her body is telling you. Afterward, ask her what parts she liked and which parts you can improve upon.

V is for Vagina

Over the years I have learned to love my vagina. It’s been hard finding love for my vagina when it seems like the media is trying to tell me how awful it is having one. The TV tells me that my vagina is dirty and smelly, it needs to be douched and powdered, sprayed and diapered. Summer’s Eve tells women that they can’t be confident and get a raise when their vagina’s are smelly. Tampon commercials compare having your period to shitting in a diaper. Birth control adds tell us that having so many periods is unnecessary, and come with nasty side affects like being emotional.

Sometimes my vagina makes me angry. I understand the frustration of trying to insert a dry wad of cotton up my twat. Pads can be a pain, and mood swings are a bitch. But I can’t hate my vagina. Tampons could come with an easy insert lube. I don’t mind being emotional for a few days in a world where business, accomplishing the task at hand, is expected to come before my own well being. I’ve never had a yeast infection, and I’ve never had to use any douche or freshness wipe to feel good about myself. Pads feel nothing like diapers. And my vagina does have a smell. It’s not the smell of tulips, but it’s not a bad smell. It smells like me. I am my vagina, and my vagina is me. I love me and my vagina.

When I was first becoming sexually active, I couldn’t talk to my mother about my vagina. So like any nerdy girl, I turned to books. I had heard about The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler, and I found it at the local bookstore. As I read the first short story, “Hair”, a light turned on. The clouds parted and a choir of angels sang out as I read this revelation, so simple yet elegant and self evident. ‘Hair is there for a reason-it’s the leaf around the flower… You can’t pick the parts you want.’ ‘You cannot love a vagina unless you love hair.’ My body grew hair down there for a reason. Hair is there to protect me. Hair is a part of me, and anyone who loved me or my vagina would have to love hair too.

Waxing and shaving have become the new “it” topic in the media. Men are getting the idea that women with no vaginal hair are the norm. Most female porn stars go hairless nowadays. A few years ago, celebrities were getting caught in upskirt photos that showed that they had no hair down there. Sex and the City tackled the issue in the series and in the first movie. In the movie, the character Miranda is wearing a bathing suit and she’s snarked on for not getting a bikini wax, and she takes offense at the implication that her unattended bikini line is a symptom of her unattended sex life. It perpetuates the idea that if you want to make your man happy with a normal sex life, you must wax.

I’ve tried waxing the hair off my vagina. The first few days were lovely. The skin around my vagina and on the pubic mound was silky and smooth. I couldn’t help but think about sex as my clothes rubbed on the sensitive skin. I loved being able to see my vagina, it’s quite lovely.

And then the fourth day came. Receiving oral sex was itchy and painful, it felt like my boyfriend’s beard was rubbing me raw. The hair itched under the skin as it grew back, and I broke out in red friction bumps. I couldn’t even wear granny panties because the elastic in the leg holes rubbed my skin wrong. When I got my period, there was no hair to keep the blood in place. It traveled up against gravity to stain the front of my underwear. Shaving was worse, pretty much all the bad stuff with none of the good.

I’ve made my pubic hair decision. I’ve weighed the good and bad. Now think about your decision. Why are you bare? Why is there hair down there? Every woman gets to make her own decision, but why do you make your decision? Are you using words like dirty or unclean to explain? Try injecting words like beautiful and pretty.