Archive for the ‘Society’ Category

New dating rules: Love ’em, use ’em, figure it out

Disc golf basket

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In this new age of online dating, feminine empowerment, and culture changes, the rules on dating have become fuzzy. One of my favorite rule changes is the emergence of the ‘hang out’ date or for some, the ‘activity’ date. Two people engage in an activity together and they call that shared time a date. Activities give you the chance to not only get to know their personality, but you can observe the more subtle or hidden personal traits.

Since I’m a fan of frisbee golf, and I’m not too shabby at it, I’m a fan of the frolf date. It’s physical, so you don’t have to dress up(actually it gives you an excuse to dress down, and possibly show off your best physical assets). It’s casual, you can talk,  if you want to avoid a conversation there’s always the excuse that you have to run after your disk. You can admire your partners physical form(boys like to take off their shirts when it’s hot) and observe how they move(important info for the bedroom). And, you see how competitive they are and how they deal with that pressure. I just like to play without keeping score, but I like to recognize when me or my partner make a good shot. If he’s too competitive, or too talkative, or annoying in general, I know he’s not right for me. It’s not that frisbee golf is that important to me that a potential guy MUST be awesome to play with. If he goes with the flow of the game and we get along, that shows me that he can observe and adapt to me and the changes around us. If he annoys me, then he’s either not perceptive or he’s just annoying.

Traditional dates are still useful too. But, you have to remember that traditional rules do apply. Show up to dinner and a movie wearing something nice, or at least something casual nice. Hold conversation in the right places(ex: not during the movie). Use your good manners.

I have been on both of these dates with the new possible guy and I’ve decided that I don’t want to see him anymore.

On our frolf date, he didn’t show up to the right place, even though he had been to the course before. Instead of parking at the first hole of the course, I had to call him to find out that he had parked on the other side of the park. Annoyance #1. Then, he talked at all the wrong times, stopping in the middle of the fairway to finish a story, while the group behind us waited. Annoyance #2. And, when he wasn’t stopping in the middle of the fairway to talk, he only communicated in catch phrases and kitschy sayings. Done in the right way they would have been funny, but he did it the whole time. Sometimes he would say something as if it were a funny saying but really it was just a statement, not novel or witty as his delivery would suggest. Annoyance #3. But, because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn’t want to be mean, I agreed to go out to the movies.

I showed up to the date in my nice jeans and a sexy tank top. He was waiting for me in camo pants and a hockey jersey. #1. Then, he walked really fast  to the concession bar, leaving me a good five steps behind. #2. During the movie, he tried to talk to me a few times. I didn’t laugh or respond to his non funny quips. And then he asked, “Where’s your hand? Can I hold your hand?” At first I tried to change the subject by making a comment about the movie, but after a few minutes he asked a second time, and I said no. #3.

He didn’t ask me out again as we were saying goodbye. I’m a coward, but I was really glad I didn’t have to turn him down to his face. I was hoping he got the hit. He mentioned that he would see me later, and I just said goodbye. He said he’d talk to me later, I just said goodbye… Even though I wouldn’t let him hold my hand… I just shrugged. But, he texted me later about how our tickets stubs had a coupon for a local cupcake shop that we could use. I didn’t respond. He asked if I made it home alright. I responded that I did.

He might have gotten the hint, he hasn’t called or texted today. It’s a relief really. I’m not ready to date, especially not ready to date guys I don’t want to be dating. It was dumb to pursue anything at all. But I don’t feel I’ve learned my lesson. I know that I need time alone for me right now, but the prospect of meeting someone is so exciting. A proper rebound to cheer me up and reassure me. But I try to be better, I try to get better.

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What I’m not looking for on dating web sites

this is the perfect description for an online ...

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On a lark, I revisited my profile on Match.com. I’m not sure if it was curiosity or loneliness, I uploaded a few pictures, essentially reawakening my “membership”. I browsed the photos and profiles of the men meeting my minimum search requirements: never married, no kids, between 26 and 34, living within 20 miles. I assumed that men would know how to present themselves in an online profile. Or at least, wouldn’t suck so badly at it.

I found several pictures of men without shirts on. When you introduce yourself to new women do you pull your shirt up so that she can inspect the goods? Women want to see a face, seeing you half-naked only makes you seem desperate. It feels like you have to use your body as a draw because you have no personality.

loverman69, luvyluvy28, hot guy98.6… Stupid ID names are… stupid. It makes me think you’re stupid. It makes me think you think I’m stupid.

Long profiles where you talk about how loyal, dependable, caring you are. Wow, only you and every other profile says that. You list the schools you went to, the degrees you hold, how well off you are financially. That’s super boring. I’m not reading a resume, I want to know about you. I don’t want buzz words, I don’t want references and previous employers, I want to read something that tells me about you. Tell a funny story. Talk about something personal. Tell a joke. If your profile sounds just like a resume and has no personality, I don’t care if you get in contact with me. You already sound super boring.

I HATE the overuse of the word ‘nice’. You’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl to have a nice time with. That sounds really ‘nice’. Besides sounding boring, ‘nice’ isn’t a very descriptive word. I’ve heard men who cheat call themselves nice. I’ve seen a ‘nice’ guy ditch his date for his ex-wife and then lament about losing the date because he was to ‘nice’. Don’t use the word ‘nice’. Girls want nice guys, but we want you to prove it with actions instead of just repeating it over and over. Other words and phrases to avoid: exquisite, lovely, show you a good time, work hard and play hard, it’s hard for me to write about myself, I’m here to meet someone.

Don’t mention other girls or past relationships. It only makes you sound bitter, or losery. We all have baggage, you don’t have to point out your own in the first contact you have with a new woman. You’re not making a great point that it isn’t you’re fault you’re single, you’re telling prospective dates that you don’t learn and grow from new relationships.

I found Match to be pretty sad. Dating sites in general, pretty sad. But I will admit, I don’t think they’re aimed at people like me. After I took the long ass personality survey for eharmony.com, I got a screen telling me that I couldn’t be categorized, and therefore I couldn’t be matched with anyone on their site. I was rejected by the entire eharmony community.  How awesome am I?

-Relationships

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you’re nowhere near the sea. You’re in the desert. Alone.

If I can’t say anything nice, I shut my fat mouth

A photo of The Thinker by Rodin located at the...

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I flash pictures of my minis here, on my Facebook, anywhere. I’m proud of my work. But, I’m honest about the quality of the work. I’m an amateur, still learning and trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. When people compliment my work I’ve learned to smile and say thank you, but in the back of my mind I weigh their expertise. Compliments from people who don’t know what they’re looking at, or have no reference to compare, are flattering but useless. If I spent ten hours or ten minutes they’d still tell me it looks nice because they don’t know if they’re seeing perfection or crap, but it is shiny.

Regardless of education or experience, we’re all critics. We learn to keep our negative opinions to ourselves, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” If we talk badly about anything it’s only to certain people with absolute mortification should our comments be publicly known. Personally, I prefer the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Maybe I’m a mean person with horrible thoughts or negative criticisms, but it makes me feel better to know that someone else is thinking the same thought. I still love my friends who I think mean thoughts about, and they’re no less of friends that I can’t tell them the full truth of what I think.

For example: My friend is posting chapters of his novella on Facebook. In less than a chapter I knew that there was no way I could make it through this thing. The sentence structure was jarring, the characters were one-dimensional and had ridiculously cliché names (Johnny the good ol’ boy, Lola the mysterious and sexy love interest). I’m not saying I could do better, but then again I’m not posting my novella on a public forum. He asks his friends to read and comment, me especially. He’s sweet on me, not because I’m some writing expert.

I can’t tell him how awful I think this story is. I would like to advise him to not ask girls he’s interested in to read it, but again, I can’t tell him what I really think. But, I won’t lie. I don’t comment. I haven’t gotten the chance to read a lot of it (technically true) so I told him I couldn’t form much of an opinion.

Example 2: My cousin had a baby girl and now sees a future in baby girl fashion accessories like hair clips and head bands. Everything I’ve seen her make is cute… in that homemade, craft tutorial sort of way. But she’s super excited to start her small business. I can’t tell her that her stuff looks cheap and homemade, but someone should suggest that she improve on the quality of her product before she invests too much time and money. I’ve never been put on the spot, so awkward situation avoided.

But, I always wonder, am I alone? Am I the only one that thinks this way? Am I just a negative person? Do people actually like these things or are they just lying to be nice? Are false compliments really what people want?

V is for Vagina

Over the years I have learned to love my vagina. It’s been hard finding love for my vagina when it seems like the media is trying to tell me how awful it is having one. The TV tells me that my vagina is dirty and smelly, it needs to be douched and powdered, sprayed and diapered. Summer’s Eve tells women that they can’t be confident and get a raise when their vagina’s are smelly. Tampon commercials compare having your period to shitting in a diaper. Birth control adds tell us that having so many periods is unnecessary, and come with nasty side affects like being emotional.

Sometimes my vagina makes me angry. I understand the frustration of trying to insert a dry wad of cotton up my twat. Pads can be a pain, and mood swings are a bitch. But I can’t hate my vagina. Tampons could come with an easy insert lube. I don’t mind being emotional for a few days in a world where business, accomplishing the task at hand, is expected to come before my own well being. I’ve never had a yeast infection, and I’ve never had to use any douche or freshness wipe to feel good about myself. Pads feel nothing like diapers. And my vagina does have a smell. It’s not the smell of tulips, but it’s not a bad smell. It smells like me. I am my vagina, and my vagina is me. I love me and my vagina.

When I was first becoming sexually active, I couldn’t talk to my mother about my vagina. So like any nerdy girl, I turned to books. I had heard about The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler, and I found it at the local bookstore. As I read the first short story, “Hair”, a light turned on. The clouds parted and a choir of angels sang out as I read this revelation, so simple yet elegant and self evident. ‘Hair is there for a reason-it’s the leaf around the flower… You can’t pick the parts you want.’ ‘You cannot love a vagina unless you love hair.’ My body grew hair down there for a reason. Hair is there to protect me. Hair is a part of me, and anyone who loved me or my vagina would have to love hair too.

Waxing and shaving have become the new “it” topic in the media. Men are getting the idea that women with no vaginal hair are the norm. Most female porn stars go hairless nowadays. A few years ago, celebrities were getting caught in upskirt photos that showed that they had no hair down there. Sex and the City tackled the issue in the series and in the first movie. In the movie, the character Miranda is wearing a bathing suit and she’s snarked on for not getting a bikini wax, and she takes offense at the implication that her unattended bikini line is a symptom of her unattended sex life. It perpetuates the idea that if you want to make your man happy with a normal sex life, you must wax.

I’ve tried waxing the hair off my vagina. The first few days were lovely. The skin around my vagina and on the pubic mound was silky and smooth. I couldn’t help but think about sex as my clothes rubbed on the sensitive skin. I loved being able to see my vagina, it’s quite lovely.

And then the fourth day came. Receiving oral sex was itchy and painful, it felt like my boyfriend’s beard was rubbing me raw. The hair itched under the skin as it grew back, and I broke out in red friction bumps. I couldn’t even wear granny panties because the elastic in the leg holes rubbed my skin wrong. When I got my period, there was no hair to keep the blood in place. It traveled up against gravity to stain the front of my underwear. Shaving was worse, pretty much all the bad stuff with none of the good.

I’ve made my pubic hair decision. I’ve weighed the good and bad. Now think about your decision. Why are you bare? Why is there hair down there? Every woman gets to make her own decision, but why do you make your decision? Are you using words like dirty or unclean to explain? Try injecting words like beautiful and pretty.