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Some hurts never heal

I’m in love! Did I ever tell you that? I fell in love with a married man, many years ago. And through events that were completely un-motivated by me, he left his wife for me.

Loving someone I shouldn’t for so many years… I never thought that we would actually be together. Ever. A dream of a stolen kiss, or an unspoken understanding that we were meant for each other, that’s all the farther I took it. And now the reality of a future together has me at a loss. I don’t dream, as I have with so many others, of a happy ending. I can’t bring myself to make plans or set goals farther than a month or two down the road.

I don’t dream. And that makes me sad. The hard reality of the situation has taken all of the dream out of me. While more practical, I find it zaps the lightheartedness out of me. I feel weighted to this time and place. And that is dangerous. I run away from things. When I feel too tied down I struggle to be set free.

I love this man. I will stay with this man. But I think about the other men, the ones that made me feel light and full up with the joy of dreaming. It’s the thinking, the small doubts, that do me in.

I remember the ache of an old lover. He was on my mind today, and as if my thoughts could conjure, I saw him. And my heart ached at the loss of him all over again. I wanted to hold him and cry. But instead we both kept as if we hadn’t seen each other. I hope he is happy.

No, I hope that he felt the exact same thing I felt in that instant. The slight panic, the loss, the feeling of being silly, for the happiness that awaited him in someone elses arms. I hope he has love. I hope he still loves me. I hope he has dreams in some other girls future. And I hope that I will soon dream again.


Mr. right now becomes Mr. yesterday

I was  seeing an old friend, figuring out if we could make it a relationship. I was beginning to think no, and then he did something that left no question.

He asked me to stop by a benefit he was running at his favorite bar. I had to work that day, and I promised to make it to a friends’ dance recital, but I said I’d make an appearance. When I got to the bar he seemed happy to see me. Distracted, but I figured he would be with all the stuff going on. I told him how I didn’t have time to change and get cute after work and that I’d only be staying a little while so he could get back to work. We sat at the bar and chatted. Well, I chatted, he remained distracted.

And then, a pretty blonde walked behind me and sat next to me at the bar. He watched her the whole way.

I was in that bar for fifteen minutes, and he couldn’t keep his eyes to himself. I left my friends, paid a $5 cover, and bought a $5 drink to be treated like shit. He texted me the next day asking me to call because he’d been doing a lot of thinking. When I talked to him, said he wasn’t ready for a relationship or we just weren’t compatible… regardless of whether we were ment to be, there’s no excuse for being rude like that. He hurt my feelings and my pride. He’s no longer a love interest, but now he’s not even a friend.