I’ve met someone?

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I might have called Match sad, but I’ve actually been talking to a man I met there. Not really sure how I feel about him yet. We have plenty in common. We’ve talked on the phone several times. We’ve been out twice… But I don’t feel the spark. We stay on the phone way too long, having terribly boring conversations about the minutiae of our lives. When out to dinner it’s just like being on the phone, we have things to talk about, but it eventually it feels strained. Like I’m being interviewed.

Reading that back it sounds like I do know how I feel about him. The truth is, he’s a pleasant distraction. He seems like a decent guy, with his own small goals, who’s very invested in his family. Sounds pretty great.

I feel nothing for him sexually. If I had felt sexual chemistry, I’d probably have nailed him already. My fear is that there is chemistry and that I’m just too distracted and upset by my breakup that my sexy emitters are broken. And, my fear is that there is no chemistry, and I’ll let a good guy go. AND, my fear is that I’m trying to justify not having chemistry so that I’ll stick it out and start a new relationship. A relationship that I’ll hate eventually.

It’s just talking and a couple dates. I’ve decided keep my thoughts on the back burner and just let him be nice to me. If something grows, it grows. If we start turning into the most boring couple ever, then I’ll put the kibosh to our becoming a couple at all. Definitely need to keep the phone calls to a minimum. Texting has the potential of being more flirtatious anyway.

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What I’m not looking for on dating web sites

this is the perfect description for an online ...

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On a lark, I revisited my profile on Match.com. I’m not sure if it was curiosity or loneliness, I uploaded a few pictures, essentially reawakening my “membership”. I browsed the photos and profiles of the men meeting my minimum search requirements: never married, no kids, between 26 and 34, living within 20 miles. I assumed that men would know how to present themselves in an online profile. Or at least, wouldn’t suck so badly at it.

I found several pictures of men without shirts on. When you introduce yourself to new women do you pull your shirt up so that she can inspect the goods? Women want to see a face, seeing you half-naked only makes you seem desperate. It feels like you have to use your body as a draw because you have no personality.

loverman69, luvyluvy28, hot guy98.6… Stupid ID names are… stupid. It makes me think you’re stupid. It makes me think you think I’m stupid.

Long profiles where you talk about how loyal, dependable, caring you are. Wow, only you and every other profile says that. You list the schools you went to, the degrees you hold, how well off you are financially. That’s super boring. I’m not reading a resume, I want to know about you. I don’t want buzz words, I don’t want references and previous employers, I want to read something that tells me about you. Tell a funny story. Talk about something personal. Tell a joke. If your profile sounds just like a resume and has no personality, I don’t care if you get in contact with me. You already sound super boring.

I HATE the overuse of the word ‘nice’. You’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl to have a nice time with. That sounds really ‘nice’. Besides sounding boring, ‘nice’ isn’t a very descriptive word. I’ve heard men who cheat call themselves nice. I’ve seen a ‘nice’ guy ditch his date for his ex-wife and then lament about losing the date because he was to ‘nice’. Don’t use the word ‘nice’. Girls want nice guys, but we want you to prove it with actions instead of just repeating it over and over. Other words and phrases to avoid: exquisite, lovely, show you a good time, work hard and play hard, it’s hard for me to write about myself, I’m here to meet someone.

Don’t mention other girls or past relationships. It only makes you sound bitter, or losery. We all have baggage, you don’t have to point out your own in the first contact you have with a new woman. You’re not making a great point that it isn’t you’re fault you’re single, you’re telling prospective dates that you don’t learn and grow from new relationships.

I found Match to be pretty sad. Dating sites in general, pretty sad. But I will admit, I don’t think they’re aimed at people like me. After I took the long ass personality survey for eharmony.com, I got a screen telling me that I couldn’t be categorized, and therefore I couldn’t be matched with anyone on their site. I was rejected by the entire eharmony community.  How awesome am I?

-Relationships

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you’re nowhere near the sea. You’re in the desert. Alone.

The end of an era

I broke up, so lets celebrate

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This last week I broke up with my boyfriend. Sad, yes. It didn’t come down to anal sex or girl-on-girl drama, it came down to a problem that could not be talked around. The truth is, my ex is a compulsive liar. I don’t say that to be hurtful or for spite, I mean that he can not control his urge to lie. Even little things like what he had for lunch, he would fabricate a whole story with emotions and sensations. It made telling truth from lie impossible and making every story suspicious. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

The realization of the end was the hardest thing. I cried for three days before actually doing the deed. But now that it’s over I’ve only felt close to tears while talking to my mother, and my mother certainly knows how to go for the tears button. I am sad that I’ve lost my best friend, but I can’t be mad. I feel more relieved for not having that stress upon me for the rest of my life. Fear of an uncertain future is present, but also a reassuring sense that I’m still young enough to marry and have children. I’m more than a couple of pounds heavier than I would like to be, but I’m not destined to be a crazy cat lady, there’s a someone for me no matter what the weight. And hopefully I’ll find focus in the next few weeks to hit the gym, clean the house, and be generally productive. But, I’m not going to stress about it. I’m going to get busy being busy, and see what happens.

I’ll miss you, but I’ll live on.

When children hate cupcakes

Close-up of cupcake with pink frosting and spr...

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I’ve fallen in love with cupcakes! I found out about Jones Bros cupcakes about a week ago and I can’t help myself but to tell everyone how fabulous their cuppycakes are. They’re the perfect balance of a sweet flavorful frosting on a moist cake.

My boyfriend suggested we go for cuppycakes this afternoon, and since his 4yr old nephew was over, we took him with us. On the drive over he was a playful, chocolate loving little boy. He chattered on about chocolate cupcakes and how much he liked chocolate and how long it was taking us to get to the cupcake store. He was happy and fine until we entered the restaurant.

Jones Bros does regular food in addition to being a cupcake cafe, and they were a little busy with the lunch rush. Suddenly the nephew was unsure about wanting a cupcake. I tried to list off all of the chocolate ones, but being four he was confused by the choices, so I picked out a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting for him. My boyfriend picked a black and white, chocolate cake with white frosting and chocolate sprinkles, and I got a red velvet, which had chocolate chips in it. The nephew sat in his own chair for about five minutes, taking a lick or two of the chocolate frosting of his cupcake. But then he didn’t want to sit in his own chair, he wanted on my boyfriends lap. Then he was full and didn’t want any more, or he didn’t like it, or just wanted to go home.

I was shocked! How could a little boy, who would eat chocolate donuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if he could, not want to inhale the best chocolate cupcake ever?

Answer: It had nothing to do with the cupcakes. This little boy hardly ever goes out to restaurants or crowded places. I don’t know if he would have been better if his dad had come with us, he clung to my boyfriends neck that way that kids do when they’re tired and are using your shoulder as a head rest.

A part of me thinks it’s a good thing that he doesn’t go out to restaurants, it means that he’s getting some good home cooking. But it also worries me that he would close off in a crowd. It makes me worry that he’s not getting any social interaction to get him used to being around people he doesn’t know. It’s probably a good thing that he’s didn’t make the cutoff to get into kindergarten this year. Then again, he might need to get out and away from his parents in order to learn how to adapt.

Porn: The up and down sides from my view

anal sex - he didnt even kiss me goodnight!

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It seems strange that I would be posting about porn with all the new stuff going on in my life. But I suppose the issues I’m currently having with my boyfriend have burned so deep into my thoughts that writing about anything else would be skirting the elephant in the room.

As a girlfriend, I don’t mind porn. If I’m not there when he’s horny, or I’m just not feeling like messing around, go ahead and watch porn. If it is true that men think about sex more than women, then I think watching porn and masturbation is a normal and necessary function. I don’t generally watch porn by myself (I have yet to find the porn that’s marketed to women), usually its to start things off with my man. But I enjoy watching it with my boyfriend. Or rather, I enjoy listening to it more than seeing the actual sex.

That’s where I start to see the downside. I don’t enjoy the actual watching of porn. It’s obviously fake, not just because it’s a porn, but the acting is terrible and the sex scenes long and complicated. Basically, when I put myself in the actresses place, I would hate all the position changes, I would be getting dry and sore. To genuinely like porn, it would have to be medium to soft core, with a plot. Maybe I’m missing the point, but that’s how I feel.

What bothers me most is the effect that porn is having on my guy’s sexual fantasies and his expectation that these fantasies should be brought into reality. More directly, he wants me to do girl-on-girl, and he wants me to do anal.

First, regardless of how I feel about women and lesbian sex, I am in a relationship. If I wanted some strange, male or female, I wouldn’t be dating someone. It started off as a funny joke, after repeated reminders that he would really like me to make it with a girl I considered it briefly. But he just kept bringing it up,

“I’ll just have to get you drunk and introduce you to more girls.”

YES! Because when I choose to sleep with someone, what I really want it to be with a random person I just drunkenly met at the bar. When I have my first lesbian experience, I want it to be meaningless and purely for the enjoyment of the man I’m dating.

It’s one thing to have a fantasy, it’s another to periodically remind your girlfriend, as if by not fulfilling the fantasy she isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs. If she’s not fucking another chick, does your girlfriend really care?

And the anal sex. At the beginning of our relationship I was strictly anti-anal. Then he brought it up again and again, repeating that it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. Which only sounded like he was calling me uptight for not being sexually open enough. And eventually I considered that I wasn’t being sexually open and I decided to try it. I was lubed, I was relaxed and ready to go… and he stuck his dick in me so hard, so fast that it felt like he had just stabbed me.

He apologized and gave me some time, but eventually he went right back to prodding me and telling me it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. And that felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I know I’ve just told these stories, and maybe I haven’t made a strong case for why they’re connected to porn. I think that the saturation of girl-on-girl and anal sex in hard-core porn gives men a notion that these are normal and/or standard practice when in reality they are asking too much of women. Or at least, my boyfriend is asking too much of me.

Calm it down lady

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I was un-friended, at my favorite social media site, because I was accused of being a fat-shamer.

First, I’d never heard that word before today. I was unaware that there was a label assigned to people who specifically criticize the overweight.

Secondly, the accusation is false. I am not a fat-shamer. When a person I know only through the internet, posted an article about a heavy woman and the mistreatment she suffered at the hands of her doctors over weight, I responded that I didn’t feel sorry for this woman. I’ve known far to many overweight people who are oversensitive about their weight. And what I didn’t say was that I didn’t believe this woman when she says the doctors called her horrible names. She refused to give the names…because there was no name calling. She’s not a martyr, she’s fat person. Fat people can lie just as well as anyone else.

Thirdly, FUCK YOU! I’ve been to the doctor’s office and had the overweight conversation with the doctor because I’M FAT TOO. It’s not comfortable, but it’s the truth. So no, I don’t feel bad for the article lady. I don’t feel sorry for myself. It’s the truth. Thicken your skin or thin out your body. It’s not easy to deal with being fat, I’ve dealt with the judgemental cockasses as well. But that doesn’t mean that everyone should feel sorry for me, or any heavy person.

So goodbye internet friend. If you’re willing to un-friend me because of two sentences of opinion, if you want to brand me a fat-shamer, go a titty-fucking head. I don’t need acquaintances who are so easily offended, without even waiting for an explanation.

How to go down on your lady

Line drawing of a Kiss

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Here’s some tips for pleasing your woman:

1) Take your time getting down there. Women love it when you get them warmed up first, so start with some foreplay. When she’s naked, or at least pantless, kiss and stroke your way down her body. And when your head is positioned between her legs, don’t start the heavy lapping. Instead, tease her a bit by gently kissing her pussy lips, or a slight inhale to move the air around her clit and get her nerve endings prickling.

2) Don’t stick your tongue in her vagina. After some tongue action on the clit she might be receptive to the use of fingers or toys to stimulate the g-spot, of course depending on her mood and sensitivity. But no matter how awesome your tongue work, it will be lost on the vagina.

3) Tongue circles around her clit. Go slow and soft at first.

4) Pay attention to her responses. If she likes it she’ll moan during or just after. Other signs are: leg shaking, muscle clenching, heavy breathing or sighing. When she’s really into it she might grab on your head or move your head into just the right spot. Chances are she won’t hurt you, but let her know if she does. If she gives you verbal directions, TAKE THEM. It’s not an insult. She’s teaching you how to please her, be grateful and follow directions. If she’s laying there doing nothing, breathing normally, pay attention to that too. Either you need to have a talk about her enjoyment of oral sex, or you’re not doing what she likes.

5) Take her whole clit in your mouth and give a light suck. Move your tongue up and down over the clit. Try moving side-to-side, or tilt your head to the side and keep with the up and down motion. Some women like what’s called the ‘alphabet trick’, where you spell her name with your tongue.

6) Take your time and explore. Enjoy the pussy. Figure out what she likes. Tease her a little.

7) Try something a little different to change things up.

a) Softly hum while sucking on the clit or when your tongue hits a sensitive spot.

b) Speed up for a few moments, getting her worked up, before returning to slow.

c) Squeeze her thighs while increasing pressure on the clit. This sense of urgency can sometimes help her get off. Or, you can just use it to tease her

8.) When you want to start bringing her to climax, increase tongue speed. Keep the climax move consistent, it might take her a minute or two to fully cum, but she needs that pressure to hit her clit the same way that whole time. Try to regulate your breathing so that you keep stimulating her, but you’re not holding your breath.

9) Try moving your tongue up and down while moving your head side to side. Rock into her slightly, motions that are similar to sex will help keep her focused on the orgasm. Or, if you’ve ever played a wind instrument like trumpet or saxophone, try to play the clit the same way while moving your head side to side.

10) The clitoris is very sensitive just after orgasm, so be ready to stop when she’s finished cumming. Some women can pause for a moment and begin the build up to a second orgasm. Work towards making her multi-orgasmic. Afterward, let her rest and she’ll eventually return the favor.

Things to be aware of:

Not all women can orgasm viz oral sex. Some women are insecure about oral because they’ve had bad experiences in he past. That being said, don’t assume the problem is her. Take your time, get plenty of practice, and listen to what her body is telling you. Afterward, ask her what parts she liked and which parts you can improve upon.