Posts Tagged ‘Break ups’

Finding the real…hurts

It’s gonna hurt. Real bad.

It hurt the first time, the initial breakup. So bad you thought it would kill you. Tears come up at the stupidest of memories, unbidden. You mope and question your life and wonder at all the things you could have done in the time wasted.

But you’ll get over it. You’ll smile and remember the you that existed before. Or, you’ll find a new you, one you can be without trying. Maybe even the someone you want to be.¬†And in the small peace, you’ll meet someone else. You’ll meet someone like you, someone who’s been hurt. Someone you want to try for.

…And you’ll realize that you’re broken, all over again. Only this time you’ll be untrusting and cynical. You fear the ill that has befallen before could be lying right behind this new face. You’ll fear that your fear will make you appear crazy and heavy with emotional baggage. You fear hurting someone else because you are damaged.

But, there’s no way but to do. To try again. To talk and feel and love unguarded again.


The end of an era

I broke up, so lets celebrate

Image by Unlisted Sightings via Flickr

This last week I broke up with my boyfriend. Sad, yes. It didn’t come down to anal sex or girl-on-girl drama, it came down to a problem that could not be talked around. The truth is, my ex is a compulsive liar. I don’t say that to be hurtful or for spite, I mean that he can not control his urge to lie. Even little things like what he had for lunch, he would fabricate a whole story with emotions and sensations. It made telling truth from lie impossible and making every story suspicious. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

The realization of the end was the hardest thing. I cried for three days before actually doing the deed. But now that it’s over I’ve only felt close to tears while talking to my mother, and my mother certainly knows how to go for the tears button. I am sad that I’ve lost my best friend, but I can’t be mad. I feel more relieved for not having that stress upon me for the rest of my life. Fear of an uncertain future is present, but also a reassuring sense that I’m still young enough to marry and have children. I’m more than a couple of pounds heavier than I would like to be, but I’m not destined to be a crazy cat lady, there’s a someone for me no matter what the weight. And hopefully I’ll find focus in the next few weeks to hit the gym, clean the house, and be generally productive. But, I’m not going to stress about it. I’m going to get busy being busy, and see what happens.

I’ll miss you, but I’ll live on.