Posts Tagged ‘Online dating service’

De-mystifying the mystery: Emotionally unavailable

The former logo of the event, which was used f...

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In my roamings through online dating I’ve begun to notice that women are acting more and more like men. More women are looking to hit it and quit it. Wham bam thank you man.

Is it a good thing? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that women weren’t raised and developed socially to do this, like men have been. Where it’s expected that men enter into one night stands, knowing full well that after the sex is done the relationship is over, it’s still pretty odd to hear about this with women. It’s usually assumed that the woman is duped or naively lead into thinking that there is the possibility of an emotional connection in the future. I was very surprised to hear disappointment from some men in the online dating community that more women are using them for sex.

That’s when I heard the term “emotionally unavailable”. A girl would throw themselves at a guy, then if the guy wanted to take the next step into a relationship, the female response would have to do with being emotionally unavailable. The guys were understandably confused. Why would anyone go on a dating website when they weren’t actually interested in a relationship?

Sorry guys. When she says she’s emotionally unavailable, what she means is that she’s unavailable to you. Even if you weren’t a one night stand, women are not trained on how to tell someone they’re just not interested. So we’ve found a catch phrase that sounds better than “you’re a loser” or “you were a lot cuter before I had an orgasm.” But don’t feel bad, you both had a night of fun. She cared enough about you to try to be nice.

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New dating rules: Love ’em, use ’em, figure it out

Disc golf basket

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In this new age of online dating, feminine empowerment, and culture changes, the rules on dating have become fuzzy. One of my favorite rule changes is the emergence of the ‘hang out’ date or for some, the ‘activity’ date. Two people engage in an activity together and they call that shared time a date. Activities give you the chance to not only get to know their personality, but you can observe the more subtle or hidden personal traits.

Since I’m a fan of frisbee golf, and I’m not too shabby at it, I’m a fan of the frolf date. It’s physical, so you don’t have to dress up(actually it gives you an excuse to dress down, and possibly show off your best physical assets). It’s casual, you can talk,  if you want to avoid a conversation there’s always the excuse that you have to run after your disk. You can admire your partners physical form(boys like to take off their shirts when it’s hot) and observe how they move(important info for the bedroom). And, you see how competitive they are and how they deal with that pressure. I just like to play without keeping score, but I like to recognize when me or my partner make a good shot. If he’s too competitive, or too talkative, or annoying in general, I know he’s not right for me. It’s not that frisbee golf is that important to me that a potential guy MUST be awesome to play with. If he goes with the flow of the game and we get along, that shows me that he can observe and adapt to me and the changes around us. If he annoys me, then he’s either not perceptive or he’s just annoying.

Traditional dates are still useful too. But, you have to remember that traditional rules do apply. Show up to dinner and a movie wearing something nice, or at least something casual nice. Hold conversation in the right places(ex: not during the movie). Use your good manners.

I have been on both of these dates with the new possible guy and I’ve decided that I don’t want to see him anymore.

On our frolf date, he didn’t show up to the right place, even though he had been to the course before. Instead of parking at the first hole of the course, I had to call him to find out that he had parked on the other side of the park. Annoyance #1. Then, he talked at all the wrong times, stopping in the middle of the fairway to finish a story, while the group behind us waited. Annoyance #2. And, when he wasn’t stopping in the middle of the fairway to talk, he only communicated in catch phrases and kitschy sayings. Done in the right way they would have been funny, but he did it the whole time. Sometimes he would say something as if it were a funny saying but really it was just a statement, not novel or witty as his delivery would suggest. Annoyance #3. But, because he seemed like a nice guy and I didn’t want to be mean, I agreed to go out to the movies.

I showed up to the date in my nice jeans and a sexy tank top. He was waiting for me in camo pants and a hockey jersey. #1. Then, he walked really fast  to the concession bar, leaving me a good five steps behind. #2. During the movie, he tried to talk to me a few times. I didn’t laugh or respond to his non funny quips. And then he asked, “Where’s your hand? Can I hold your hand?” At first I tried to change the subject by making a comment about the movie, but after a few minutes he asked a second time, and I said no. #3.

He didn’t ask me out again as we were saying goodbye. I’m a coward, but I was really glad I didn’t have to turn him down to his face. I was hoping he got the hit. He mentioned that he would see me later, and I just said goodbye. He said he’d talk to me later, I just said goodbye… Even though I wouldn’t let him hold my hand… I just shrugged. But, he texted me later about how our tickets stubs had a coupon for a local cupcake shop that we could use. I didn’t respond. He asked if I made it home alright. I responded that I did.

He might have gotten the hint, he hasn’t called or texted today. It’s a relief really. I’m not ready to date, especially not ready to date guys I don’t want to be dating. It was dumb to pursue anything at all. But I don’t feel I’ve learned my lesson. I know that I need time alone for me right now, but the prospect of meeting someone is so exciting. A proper rebound to cheer me up and reassure me. But I try to be better, I try to get better.

What I’m not looking for on dating web sites

this is the perfect description for an online ...

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On a lark, I revisited my profile on Match.com. I’m not sure if it was curiosity or loneliness, I uploaded a few pictures, essentially reawakening my “membership”. I browsed the photos and profiles of the men meeting my minimum search requirements: never married, no kids, between 26 and 34, living within 20 miles. I assumed that men would know how to present themselves in an online profile. Or at least, wouldn’t suck so badly at it.

I found several pictures of men without shirts on. When you introduce yourself to new women do you pull your shirt up so that she can inspect the goods? Women want to see a face, seeing you half-naked only makes you seem desperate. It feels like you have to use your body as a draw because you have no personality.

loverman69, luvyluvy28, hot guy98.6… Stupid ID names are… stupid. It makes me think you’re stupid. It makes me think you think I’m stupid.

Long profiles where you talk about how loyal, dependable, caring you are. Wow, only you and every other profile says that. You list the schools you went to, the degrees you hold, how well off you are financially. That’s super boring. I’m not reading a resume, I want to know about you. I don’t want buzz words, I don’t want references and previous employers, I want to read something that tells me about you. Tell a funny story. Talk about something personal. Tell a joke. If your profile sounds just like a resume and has no personality, I don’t care if you get in contact with me. You already sound super boring.

I HATE the overuse of the word ‘nice’. You’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl to have a nice time with. That sounds really ‘nice’. Besides sounding boring, ‘nice’ isn’t a very descriptive word. I’ve heard men who cheat call themselves nice. I’ve seen a ‘nice’ guy ditch his date for his ex-wife and then lament about losing the date because he was to ‘nice’. Don’t use the word ‘nice’. Girls want nice guys, but we want you to prove it with actions instead of just repeating it over and over. Other words and phrases to avoid: exquisite, lovely, show you a good time, work hard and play hard, it’s hard for me to write about myself, I’m here to meet someone.

Don’t mention other girls or past relationships. It only makes you sound bitter, or losery. We all have baggage, you don’t have to point out your own in the first contact you have with a new woman. You’re not making a great point that it isn’t you’re fault you’re single, you’re telling prospective dates that you don’t learn and grow from new relationships.

I found Match to be pretty sad. Dating sites in general, pretty sad. But I will admit, I don’t think they’re aimed at people like me. After I took the long ass personality survey for eharmony.com, I got a screen telling me that I couldn’t be categorized, and therefore I couldn’t be matched with anyone on their site. I was rejected by the entire eharmony community.  How awesome am I?

-Relationships

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you’re nowhere near the sea. You’re in the desert. Alone.