Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Finding the real…hurts

It’s gonna hurt. Real bad.

It hurt the first time, the initial breakup. So bad you thought it would kill you. Tears come up at the stupidest of memories, unbidden. You mope and question your life and wonder at all the things you could have done in the time wasted.

But you’ll get over it. You’ll smile and remember the you that existed before. Or, you’ll find a new you, one you can be without trying. Maybe even the someone you want to be. And in the small peace, you’ll meet someone else. You’ll meet someone like you, someone who’s been hurt. Someone you want to try for.

…And you’ll realize that you’re broken, all over again. Only this time you’ll be untrusting and cynical. You fear the ill that has befallen before could be lying right behind this new face. You’ll fear that your fear will make you appear crazy and heavy with emotional baggage. You fear hurting someone else because you are damaged.

But, there’s no way but to do. To try again. To talk and feel and love unguarded again.

De-mystifying the mystery: Emotionally unavailable

The former logo of the event, which was used f...

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In my roamings through online dating I’ve begun to notice that women are acting more and more like men. More women are looking to hit it and quit it. Wham bam thank you man.

Is it a good thing? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that women weren’t raised and developed socially to do this, like men have been. Where it’s expected that men enter into one night stands, knowing full well that after the sex is done the relationship is over, it’s still pretty odd to hear about this with women. It’s usually assumed that the woman is duped or naively lead into thinking that there is the possibility of an emotional connection in the future. I was very surprised to hear disappointment from some men in the online dating community that more women are using them for sex.

That’s when I heard the term “emotionally unavailable”. A girl would throw themselves at a guy, then if the guy wanted to take the next step into a relationship, the female response would have to do with being emotionally unavailable. The guys were understandably confused. Why would anyone go on a dating website when they weren’t actually interested in a relationship?

Sorry guys. When she says she’s emotionally unavailable, what she means is that she’s unavailable to you. Even if you weren’t a one night stand, women are not trained on how to tell someone they’re just not interested. So we’ve found a catch phrase that sounds better than “you’re a loser” or “you were a lot cuter before I had an orgasm.” But don’t feel bad, you both had a night of fun. She cared enough about you to try to be nice.

De-mystifying the mystery: He likes me too much

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

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Women love attention. Good, bad, indifferent, we love to be given your time.

But then how can there ever be the problem, ‘He likes me too much’? We like your attention, is there really such a thing as liking someone too much?

Here’s my experience: When dating a guy I would classify as liking me too much the problem is not that he likes me. It’s easy to like me. It’s easy to like anyone in the beginning, when everything is new and exciting. When you don’t know the other person well and are free to fill in all the blank spots with Prince Charming‘s resume. The problem is that he doesn’t realize that he doesn’t know me. He walks around in a dreamy, love struck haze, believing everything is great. When, in reality, he’s just in love with the idea of you. Or infatuated with the idea of love.

I’m seeing a guy who I’ve known for many years but have only really gotten to know a few weeks. Over the years, we were never closer than casual flirtation and occasional social interaction. We have intimate nights snuggling on the couch, which I like. But while just hanging out, watching a movie, he’ll sigh loudly every ten to twenty minutes. At first it was cute, but it’s becoming annoying.

The sigh is a sign of contentment over our time together. I should be flattered and encouraged by the sigh. But I don’t think that the sigh has very much to do with me in the physical present. It feels like he’s showing off. It feels like he’s content in the idea of me and the future he’s laid out in his mind for us. So indulgent in the sensation of liking something, that the reality of me and our actual relationship doesn’t factor in.

He’s so proud of starting a relationship that he’s told many of his friends and family about our time together. He tells me how he’s told this person and that about me. But, what does he actually know about me? Very little. He doesn’t stop to see that I am not goofy eyed for him because he’s too distracted by the possibilities of being with a girl who is goofy for him. In short, he likes me too much.

What I’m not looking for on dating web sites

this is the perfect description for an online ...

Image by kthread via Flickr

On a lark, I revisited my profile on Match.com. I’m not sure if it was curiosity or loneliness, I uploaded a few pictures, essentially reawakening my “membership”. I browsed the photos and profiles of the men meeting my minimum search requirements: never married, no kids, between 26 and 34, living within 20 miles. I assumed that men would know how to present themselves in an online profile. Or at least, wouldn’t suck so badly at it.

I found several pictures of men without shirts on. When you introduce yourself to new women do you pull your shirt up so that she can inspect the goods? Women want to see a face, seeing you half-naked only makes you seem desperate. It feels like you have to use your body as a draw because you have no personality.

loverman69, luvyluvy28, hot guy98.6… Stupid ID names are… stupid. It makes me think you’re stupid. It makes me think you think I’m stupid.

Long profiles where you talk about how loyal, dependable, caring you are. Wow, only you and every other profile says that. You list the schools you went to, the degrees you hold, how well off you are financially. That’s super boring. I’m not reading a resume, I want to know about you. I don’t want buzz words, I don’t want references and previous employers, I want to read something that tells me about you. Tell a funny story. Talk about something personal. Tell a joke. If your profile sounds just like a resume and has no personality, I don’t care if you get in contact with me. You already sound super boring.

I HATE the overuse of the word ‘nice’. You’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl to have a nice time with. That sounds really ‘nice’. Besides sounding boring, ‘nice’ isn’t a very descriptive word. I’ve heard men who cheat call themselves nice. I’ve seen a ‘nice’ guy ditch his date for his ex-wife and then lament about losing the date because he was to ‘nice’. Don’t use the word ‘nice’. Girls want nice guys, but we want you to prove it with actions instead of just repeating it over and over. Other words and phrases to avoid: exquisite, lovely, show you a good time, work hard and play hard, it’s hard for me to write about myself, I’m here to meet someone.

Don’t mention other girls or past relationships. It only makes you sound bitter, or losery. We all have baggage, you don’t have to point out your own in the first contact you have with a new woman. You’re not making a great point that it isn’t you’re fault you’re single, you’re telling prospective dates that you don’t learn and grow from new relationships.

I found Match to be pretty sad. Dating sites in general, pretty sad. But I will admit, I don’t think they’re aimed at people like me. After I took the long ass personality survey for eharmony.com, I got a screen telling me that I couldn’t be categorized, and therefore I couldn’t be matched with anyone on their site. I was rejected by the entire eharmony community.  How awesome am I?

-Relationships

There are plenty of fish in the sea. But you’re nowhere near the sea. You’re in the desert. Alone.

Porn: The up and down sides from my view

anal sex - he didnt even kiss me goodnight!

Image by no-frills marilyn. via Flickr

It seems strange that I would be posting about porn with all the new stuff going on in my life. But I suppose the issues I’m currently having with my boyfriend have burned so deep into my thoughts that writing about anything else would be skirting the elephant in the room.

As a girlfriend, I don’t mind porn. If I’m not there when he’s horny, or I’m just not feeling like messing around, go ahead and watch porn. If it is true that men think about sex more than women, then I think watching porn and masturbation is a normal and necessary function. I don’t generally watch porn by myself (I have yet to find the porn that’s marketed to women), usually its to start things off with my man. But I enjoy watching it with my boyfriend. Or rather, I enjoy listening to it more than seeing the actual sex.

That’s where I start to see the downside. I don’t enjoy the actual watching of porn. It’s obviously fake, not just because it’s a porn, but the acting is terrible and the sex scenes long and complicated. Basically, when I put myself in the actresses place, I would hate all the position changes, I would be getting dry and sore. To genuinely like porn, it would have to be medium to soft core, with a plot. Maybe I’m missing the point, but that’s how I feel.

What bothers me most is the effect that porn is having on my guy’s sexual fantasies and his expectation that these fantasies should be brought into reality. More directly, he wants me to do girl-on-girl, and he wants me to do anal.

First, regardless of how I feel about women and lesbian sex, I am in a relationship. If I wanted some strange, male or female, I wouldn’t be dating someone. It started off as a funny joke, after repeated reminders that he would really like me to make it with a girl I considered it briefly. But he just kept bringing it up,

“I’ll just have to get you drunk and introduce you to more girls.”

YES! Because when I choose to sleep with someone, what I really want it to be with a random person I just drunkenly met at the bar. When I have my first lesbian experience, I want it to be meaningless and purely for the enjoyment of the man I’m dating.

It’s one thing to have a fantasy, it’s another to periodically remind your girlfriend, as if by not fulfilling the fantasy she isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs. If she’s not fucking another chick, does your girlfriend really care?

And the anal sex. At the beginning of our relationship I was strictly anti-anal. Then he brought it up again and again, repeating that it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. Which only sounded like he was calling me uptight for not being sexually open enough. And eventually I considered that I wasn’t being sexually open and I decided to try it. I was lubed, I was relaxed and ready to go… and he stuck his dick in me so hard, so fast that it felt like he had just stabbed me.

He apologized and gave me some time, but eventually he went right back to prodding me and telling me it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. And that felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I know I’ve just told these stories, and maybe I haven’t made a strong case for why they’re connected to porn. I think that the saturation of girl-on-girl and anal sex in hard-core porn gives men a notion that these are normal and/or standard practice when in reality they are asking too much of women. Or at least, my boyfriend is asking too much of me.

If I can’t say anything nice, I shut my fat mouth

A photo of The Thinker by Rodin located at the...

Image via Wikipedia

I flash pictures of my minis here, on my Facebook, anywhere. I’m proud of my work. But, I’m honest about the quality of the work. I’m an amateur, still learning and trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. When people compliment my work I’ve learned to smile and say thank you, but in the back of my mind I weigh their expertise. Compliments from people who don’t know what they’re looking at, or have no reference to compare, are flattering but useless. If I spent ten hours or ten minutes they’d still tell me it looks nice because they don’t know if they’re seeing perfection or crap, but it is shiny.

Regardless of education or experience, we’re all critics. We learn to keep our negative opinions to ourselves, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” If we talk badly about anything it’s only to certain people with absolute mortification should our comments be publicly known. Personally, I prefer the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Maybe I’m a mean person with horrible thoughts or negative criticisms, but it makes me feel better to know that someone else is thinking the same thought. I still love my friends who I think mean thoughts about, and they’re no less of friends that I can’t tell them the full truth of what I think.

For example: My friend is posting chapters of his novella on Facebook. In less than a chapter I knew that there was no way I could make it through this thing. The sentence structure was jarring, the characters were one-dimensional and had ridiculously cliché names (Johnny the good ol’ boy, Lola the mysterious and sexy love interest). I’m not saying I could do better, but then again I’m not posting my novella on a public forum. He asks his friends to read and comment, me especially. He’s sweet on me, not because I’m some writing expert.

I can’t tell him how awful I think this story is. I would like to advise him to not ask girls he’s interested in to read it, but again, I can’t tell him what I really think. But, I won’t lie. I don’t comment. I haven’t gotten the chance to read a lot of it (technically true) so I told him I couldn’t form much of an opinion.

Example 2: My cousin had a baby girl and now sees a future in baby girl fashion accessories like hair clips and head bands. Everything I’ve seen her make is cute… in that homemade, craft tutorial sort of way. But she’s super excited to start her small business. I can’t tell her that her stuff looks cheap and homemade, but someone should suggest that she improve on the quality of her product before she invests too much time and money. I’ve never been put on the spot, so awkward situation avoided.

But, I always wonder, am I alone? Am I the only one that thinks this way? Am I just a negative person? Do people actually like these things or are they just lying to be nice? Are false compliments really what people want?