Posts Tagged ‘Sexuality’

Porn: The up and down sides from my view

anal sex - he didnt even kiss me goodnight!

Image by no-frills marilyn. via Flickr

It seems strange that I would be posting about porn with all the new stuff going on in my life. But I suppose the issues I’m currently having with my boyfriend have burned so deep into my thoughts that writing about anything else would be skirting the elephant in the room.

As a girlfriend, I don’t mind porn. If I’m not there when he’s horny, or I’m just not feeling like messing around, go ahead and watch porn. If it is true that men think about sex more than women, then I think watching porn and masturbation is a normal and necessary function. I don’t generally watch porn by myself (I have yet to find the porn that’s marketed to women), usually its to start things off with my man. But I enjoy watching it with my boyfriend. Or rather, I enjoy listening to it more than seeing the actual sex.

That’s where I start to see the downside. I don’t enjoy the actual watching of porn. It’s obviously fake, not just because it’s a porn, but the acting is terrible and the sex scenes long and complicated. Basically, when I put myself in the actresses place, I would hate all the position changes, I would be getting dry and sore. To genuinely like porn, it would have to be medium to soft core, with a plot. Maybe I’m missing the point, but that’s how I feel.

What bothers me most is the effect that porn is having on my guy’s sexual fantasies and his expectation that these fantasies should be brought into reality. More directly, he wants me to do girl-on-girl, and he wants me to do anal.

First, regardless of how I feel about women and lesbian sex, I am in a relationship. If I wanted some strange, male or female, I wouldn’t be dating someone. It started off as a funny joke, after repeated reminders that he would really like me to make it with a girl I considered it briefly. But he just kept bringing it up,

“I’ll just have to get you drunk and introduce you to more girls.”

YES! Because when I choose to sleep with someone, what I really want it to be with a random person I just drunkenly met at the bar. When I have my first lesbian experience, I want it to be meaningless and purely for the enjoyment of the man I’m dating.

It’s one thing to have a fantasy, it’s another to periodically remind your girlfriend, as if by not fulfilling the fantasy she isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs. If she’s not fucking another chick, does your girlfriend really care?

And the anal sex. At the beginning of our relationship I was strictly anti-anal. Then he brought it up again and again, repeating that it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. Which only sounded like he was calling me uptight for not being sexually open enough. And eventually I considered that I wasn’t being sexually open and I decided to try it. I was lubed, I was relaxed and ready to go… and he stuck his dick in me so hard, so fast that it felt like he had just stabbed me.

He apologized and gave me some time, but eventually he went right back to prodding me and telling me it wouldn’t hurt if I relaxed. And that felt like he was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I know I’ve just told these stories, and maybe I haven’t made a strong case for why they’re connected to porn. I think that the saturation of girl-on-girl and anal sex in hard-core porn gives men a notion that these are normal and/or standard practice when in reality they are asking too much of women. Or at least, my boyfriend is asking too much of me.

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How to go down on your lady

Line drawing of a Kiss

Image via Wikipedia

Here’s some tips for pleasing your woman:

1) Take your time getting down there. Women love it when you get them warmed up first, so start with some foreplay. When she’s naked, or at least pantless, kiss and stroke your way down her body. And when your head is positioned between her legs, don’t start the heavy lapping. Instead, tease her a bit by gently kissing her pussy lips, or a slight inhale to move the air around her clit and get her nerve endings prickling.

2) Don’t stick your tongue in her vagina. After some tongue action on the clit she might be receptive to the use of fingers or toys to stimulate the g-spot, of course depending on her mood and sensitivity. But no matter how awesome your tongue work, it will be lost on the vagina.

3) Tongue circles around her clit. Go slow and soft at first.

4) Pay attention to her responses. If she likes it she’ll moan during or just after. Other signs are: leg shaking, muscle clenching, heavy breathing or sighing. When she’s really into it she might grab on your head or move your head into just the right spot. Chances are she won’t hurt you, but let her know if she does. If she gives you verbal directions, TAKE THEM. It’s not an insult. She’s teaching you how to please her, be grateful and follow directions. If she’s laying there doing nothing, breathing normally, pay attention to that too. Either you need to have a talk about her enjoyment of oral sex, or you’re not doing what she likes.

5) Take her whole clit in your mouth and give a light suck. Move your tongue up and down over the clit. Try moving side-to-side, or tilt your head to the side and keep with the up and down motion. Some women like what’s called the ‘alphabet trick’, where you spell her name with your tongue.

6) Take your time and explore. Enjoy the pussy. Figure out what she likes. Tease her a little.

7) Try something a little different to change things up.

a) Softly hum while sucking on the clit or when your tongue hits a sensitive spot.

b) Speed up for a few moments, getting her worked up, before returning to slow.

c) Squeeze her thighs while increasing pressure on the clit. This sense of urgency can sometimes help her get off. Or, you can just use it to tease her

8.) When you want to start bringing her to climax, increase tongue speed. Keep the climax move consistent, it might take her a minute or two to fully cum, but she needs that pressure to hit her clit the same way that whole time. Try to regulate your breathing so that you keep stimulating her, but you’re not holding your breath.

9) Try moving your tongue up and down while moving your head side to side. Rock into her slightly, motions that are similar to sex will help keep her focused on the orgasm. Or, if you’ve ever played a wind instrument like trumpet or saxophone, try to play the clit the same way while moving your head side to side.

10) The clitoris is very sensitive just after orgasm, so be ready to stop when she’s finished cumming. Some women can pause for a moment and begin the build up to a second orgasm. Work towards making her multi-orgasmic. Afterward, let her rest and she’ll eventually return the favor.

Things to be aware of:

Not all women can orgasm viz oral sex. Some women are insecure about oral because they’ve had bad experiences in he past. That being said, don’t assume the problem is her. Take your time, get plenty of practice, and listen to what her body is telling you. Afterward, ask her what parts she liked and which parts you can improve upon.